旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � STONEHENGE BBS � � SAN RAFAEL, CA. � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � Your Sysop is John Chipps � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 (415) 479-8328 24 HOURS 300-1200-2400 BAUD 8-N-1 The following are a collection of humorous text files that I have gathered from bulletin boards from across the country as well as from other sources. They have appeared weekly in the VARIETY section on STONEHENGE BBS. I would like to share this collection. If you have anything to add, your upload would be appreciated. PART II page YOUR ASTROLOGY CHART AQUARIUS: Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractable, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid. PISCES: Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA & FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals. ARIES: Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a real prick. TAURUS: Apr. 21 - May 21 You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. GEMINI: May 22 - June 21 You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. CANCER: June 22 - July 23 You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off and that's why you will always be on welfare and never worth a shit. LEO: July 24 - Aug. 23 You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. This arrogence is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards. VIRGO: Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your few friends. You are cold and un- emotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps. LIBRA: Sept. 24 - Oct.23 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely to be queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All Libras are carriers of venerial disease. SCORPIO: Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 You are shrewed in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fucked. CAPRICORN: Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been an individual Capricorn of any particular importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pidgeons. ...the end Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328 OUR LITTLE FRIEND "ROBBIE RUBBER" REMINDS US TO: 1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. 3. Before you blaster, guard your bushmaster. 4. Don't be silly, protect your willy. 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. 6. When in doubt, shroud your spout. 7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. 9. If you ain't going to sack it, go home and whack it. 10. Before you bag her, cover your dagger. 11. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. 12. If you slip between her thighs, condomize. 13. Save embarrassment later - cover your gater. 14. She won't get sick if you cap your dick. 15. If you go into heat, package your meat. 16. If you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis. 17. Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up your trouser mouse. 18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. 19. In December, gift wrap your member. 20. She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus. 21. A Trojaned hoss gathers no moss. 22. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool. 23. The right selection? Sack that erection. 24. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 25. Befo' the van start rockin' cover it with a stockin'. 26. A crank with armor will never harm her. 27. Before you disrobe, cover your probe. MEMORANDUM TO: All Employees From: Communications Services SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In order that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than most employers. If you feel you have not received your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularily qualified to give you all of the S.H.I.T you need. If you consider yourself to be trained already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you, as a trainer to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY page TRAINING program. B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING program. (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) Thank You. Boss in General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT) Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328 **DO-IT** CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESSPLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRYWALLERS are better bangers. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ELECTRICIANS do it in their shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGEMEN come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GYMNISTS mount and dismount well. MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX -------------------- 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. "This won't hurt, I promise." Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328 COMPARE WITH TACOS __________________ Tacos: don't compare you with friends. don't tell their mother that you are an asshole. don't tell your mother that you are an asshole. won't mind if you share them with friends. don't fall in love with you. don't gag. don't care how much meat you put in them. don't give you herpes. NEVER call you back in a month with bad news. don't care if you respect them in the morning. won't throw up in your front seat. won't scream so loud that it wakes up the neighbors. won't leave scratches on your back. don't tell you that size doesn't count. can get away on weekends. don't care if you come home smelling like strange tacos. don't fog up your car windows. don't call you at home. won't mind if you talk about other tacos in your sleep. won't leave panties in your car. won't spit it out in the toilet. can handle rejection. won't ask you about former tacos. don't demand alimony when you stop eating them. are immune to yeast infections. don't yell "beat me, hurt me, bite me!!". never eat other tacos. won't make you keep eating until you get it right. don't get headaches. don't make you tell them it was great. You can get tacos for 55 cents a piece. You don't have to be a postman to eat tacos any day of the week. You can eat a taco in a two seat roadster or even while driving. You can eat a taco and know that you're the first. If you don't finish a taco, it doesn't go away mad. You can eat a taco with your glasses on. You can always make a taco hot. A taco never tells you how to eat it. You can still eat a taco after you forget its birthday. You can breathe when you eat a taco. It's easy to get rid of a taco. The above files have been selected so they can be separated. You might want to pick the best for your office bulletin board VARIETY3 will soon be forthcoming consisting of computer humor. Please! If you can add to these files your uploads would be appreciated. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Calif. [415] 479-8328 2400 BAUD 8-N-1 24 HOURS *